Underage Forever?!

Try our Pilsner, if you dare...

I guess it’s a good thing that nobody reads this or I might have a bunch of angry Twilight fans after me. The other day Nick Crandall our keg washer/cellar man and I were talking in between kegs about the love lives of vampires. On a side note Nick got engaged this week to his girlfriend Katy- so congratulations to them.

Anyways, we were talking about the recent vampire craze. There are all these shows on t.v., movies and books centered around the undead. I think it’s kinda funny that vampires would be popular with teenagers now. I’ll bet that the goth kids aren’t considered any “cooler” by the other high school kids even if vampires are making a comeback. I doubt that the Dungeons and Dragons geeks got any more popular when Harry Potter came out. I guess high school is just always going to have those social stratifications that dissipate after graduation. I remember though going to the Archer Ale house in Fairhaven on the same night of a Harry Potter book release party at Village Books. It was crazy to me to see high school kids wearing official Harry Potter robes and scarves waving plastic wands at each other. I heard one casting a mock spell on the other “Silencio!” instead of just saying “shut up.” It was pretty funny.

But back to the potential love interests of a teenage vampire, I don’t get it. I haven’t read the Twilight books, but it seems they are more about the romantic interests of young women then they are about vampires. I read Interview with a Vampire and those vampires had rules about not turning children into vampires, which makes sense. Imagine how much high school sucked and then having to be that age forever. One of the first things that comes to mind is the inability to buy beer, but I guess vampires probably only drink blood. I wonder if a vampire would get drunk from drinking the blood of someone who was wasted? Could you imagine being 300 years old in the body of a seventeen year old? Would they like the taste of beer with iron in it, which tastes like blood? Anyhow, nobody would give you any respect, you couldn’t go to a lot of places. In short, you wouldn’t be a legal adult. It would have severe social and legal limitations. So teenage vampires don’t really make sense to me.

Another thing that always confused me about vampires is where does all that blood go that they drink? They can only hold so much in their bodies and you never hear about them getting rid of any. They don’t have the same bodily functions that the living do because they don’t eat, so where does the blood go? Do they sweat it out, are there bulimic vampires, does it just evaporate out of their perfect hair, or would they get red and bloated from drinking too much blood? Another note, vampires probably wouldn’t ever want a haircut because their hair wouldn’t grow back.

Then there is a whole slew of issues about the love prospects of vampires, much of which I probably can’t put into print. I think it’s safe for me to sum it up with two words: necrotic flesh. If you are a living person in love with a vampire what do you do, hold hands for eternity? What happens as you get older and your teenage vampire boyfriend/girlfriend stays the same age? At some point it would get a little weird. Imagine a 30 year old woman walking around holding hands with a 17 year old boy with pale skin. Would she get in trouble for having a relationship with a minor, even after she explains they’ve been dating since she was in high school.

Well, we don’t live forever and we can enjoy good beer so I hope that all that read this are having a great week. See you at the brewery.
Cheers.